Which fictional characters from our favorite movies would help the Sabres? Lets take a quick look as we go through six characters who can help the Sabres, as well as a couple they should stay away from!
Honorable mentions: Reggie Dunlop - Slapshot, Darren Roanoake - The Love Guru, Dean Youngblood - Youngblood
Reggie Dunlop coached teams unfortunately do not fit the modern day NHL :(, and really didn't get going until the Hanson's arrived bringing their "f***** toys" with them.
Darren Roanoake, well there is no doubt the influence he had on young African American boys growing up and getting them involved in hockey, but he has been shown to be easy to get into his head as "Le Coq" was able to affect him for most of the movie.
Youngblood is arguably one of the most underrated hockey films of all time, and Dean Youngblood is certainly underrated and somewhat forgotten about by many, although he could certainly would help this team.
Fulton Reed would be a major consideration here as the Sabres need a great defenseman, and one with a big shot, and Reed is both of those. But there is a drawback, he's not the greatest skater in the world, and despite the big shot which would likely lead to many goals on the powerplay, would be too one dimensional for the NHL.
#6) Sheriff John Beibe - Mystery Alaska
He's a thumper, every team needs a thumper. Anyone f***** tired? You better not be, and if you're Evander Kane, you better not have any off-the-ice issues with Sheriff John Beibe in the room. The team needs leadership, and he brings plenty of it to the table. He was able to get his team fired up enough to make a great comeback against the NHL's New York Rangers. What team doesn't need that kind of leadership?
#5) The Unnamed Sabres Coach - Bruce Almighty
The coach prays a lot, and this team needs someone who prays a lot. No disrespect to Phil Housley, but we cannot overlook the only coach to ever win a Stanley Cup for the Sabres in this team's history in the fictional cinematic universe.
Reggie Dunlop would also be of serious consideration here, but he gets edged out by the "Unnamed Sabres Coach from Bruce Almighty".
#4) Connor Banks - Mystery, Alaska
This guy was so valuable to his team that he seriously shot a man in a store, and the town of Mystery let him get off scot-free, and even gave him a monetary reward in damages, until of course that was overturned by Judge Walter Burns. Connor Banks even fits right in here with bad luck, we have wide right and no goal, and he has the shot the hit the post, thus preventing the Alaska Mystery men from tying the game versus the Rangers. But regardless, he's a sniper, and this team could use one of those
#3) Stevie Weeks - Mystery, Alaska
Have you seen this kid skate the river? With the emphasis on speed in today's game, Stevie Weeks easily fits today's mold of an NHL player, even more so than Luis Mendoza from the Mighty Ducks. I mean, Mendoza is also a blazer, but his lack of control on his skates will get him killed at the NHL level. Weeks along with Connor Banks were one of two Mystery Alaska players to earn a contract with the Rags. Weeks is a burner, and this team could use more speed.
#2) Adam Banks - The Mighty Ducks
One of the most skilled players in hockey movie history, Adam Banks has it all. A complete player who can finish, and even as he demonstrated in D3, can play on the third line. He would be a huge upgrade over Jordan Nolan for sure. Even though Banks' NHL career was never covered in the film, it has been widely assumed by many that Banks would certainly have an NHL career, and even as identified by his original Hawks coach Jack Reilly in peewee, he could go all the way. Not only that, he was good enough for Gordon Bombay to lose his job when he discovered that Banks was playing for the wrong team, and refused to go along with the deal made by the peewee hockey league.
#1) Jacque "Le Coq" Grande - The Love Guru & Julie "The Cat" Gaffney - D2, D3, the Mighty Ducks
With the great dearth of high quality defensemen in the fictional universe, there is only one way to make the defense better and that's with elite goaltending. Le Coq would undoubtedly be a huge upgrade over Robin Lehner and Chad Johnson.
Julie Gaffney would also be a major upgrade in goal, although sharing a goal with Le Coq could eventually lead to either a sexual harrassment lawsuit, a trade for one of the goalies, or Le Coq just flat out getting kicked in the Le Coq blade first, I still think they could make a great tandem. Gaffney never got the opportunities under Gordon Bombay until the end of the film, where she showed off her fast glove. Gaffney at worst would be a shootout specialist in goal.
Goaltending is the way to go, and a Le Coq - Cat tandem is the way to go here.
Players to avoid:
"Skank" Marden - Mystery Alaska
Now I give this guy credit for taking a 90+ mph slapper to the nuts, but all this guy wants to do is fornicate and play hockey, the two most fun things to do in cold weather. I could see him causing problems in the locker room, and sleeping with one of the players' wives wouldn't go over well here. We don't need a Dion Phaneuf - Craig Conroy situation here.
The Hanson Brothers, Slapshot
As great as the greatest characters in hockey movie history are, the Hansons just unfortunately wouldn't be able to help the Sabres in the modern day NHL. But they would have undoubtedly helped Buffalo back in 1975 against the Flyers, and had I made this list in 1975, they would probably be on top easily. They would provide great comic relief in the room, and would stand up for their teammates.
PS - You also wouldn't have to worry about any national anthem protests with them as you know one of the brothers in particular will be "listening to the f***** song".