Happy Veteran's Day, everyone! After you thank the powers that be for giving Buffalo two wins in a row, take some time to thank a veteran. No matter how you feel about America or its politics, we're all grateful for those who offer their lives in defense of ours. After the break, Act 3 of our epic prediction of the Sabres season based on the movie Major League!
1,000 ONE THOUSAND GAMES COACHED LINDY RUFF SABRES - THE BEST OF NICK MENDOLA . . .LIVE
The Sabres' Lindy Ruff will coach his 1,000th game tonight. Nick takes a look at the other 10 coaches to achieve this milestone.
Thoughts on Lindy Ruff's 1,000th Game - Top Shelf
Heather's got a new look to her blog, and gets wistful about Lindy Ruff and his inevitable departure.
You Owe Me a Coke - The Goose's Roost
Tyler Myers has changed this season...on the inside.
Tyler Myers Now and Later - Hockey Rhetoric
A more introspective look at what's going on in Tyler Myers' head.
NHL, NHLPA announce new format for NHL All-Star Game - NHL.com
The 2011 All-Star Game presented by Discover will feature the Ultimate Fantasy Draft, where the players will pick the teams.
New NHL All-Star Game format: 4 things we love, 4 things we loathe - Puck Daddy
The headline says it all.
Giguere speaks out: "We didn't compete" - The Globe and Mail
Loss to Lightning provokes strong comments from veteran netminder.
Chara careful when it comes to Rule 48, but keeps his edge - The Bruins Blog
Can Zdeno Chara actually be the victim of a headshot?
*Editor's Note: The viewpoints expressed in this production do not represent the viewpoints of the author or any Die By The Blade editors. It's just for funsies. If you missed Act 1 and 2, you can find them here and here.
When we last left our lovable losers, they had just banded together under the idea of winning the Stanley Cup to spite the evil Tom Golisano. We see Coach Ruff hanging a full size blowup of Golisano on the locker room wall. In the picture he's pointing at the players, and a bubble above his head says, "YOU GUYS STINK!" A set of women's designer clothes, of the type Golisano wears, have been superimposed on the picture. The clothes are divided into 32 pull-off squares.
Ruff: I figure it's gonna take 32 more victories to win this thing. Every time we win, we peel a square.
He peels one, and the players hoot and holler at the sight of Golisano's bare shoulder. The keytar solo kicks in and we enter a classic 80's training montage featuring:
- The team running gassers. The grizzled veteran Rivet is still finishing last, but is the first to the line to go again.
- Tyler Myers trying to learn how to "hockey stop" by careening into a pyramid of soda cans.
- Patrick Kaleta bench pressing an impressive amount of weight. Camera pans next to him where 5' 6'' Nathan Gerbe is lifting weights on this bench.
- Game action: Nathan Gerbe checking Chris Neil through the glass with his new-found strength.
- A shot blocking drill where Tim Connolly is blocking shots with his chest and arms. Later, in the locker room, he removes his shirt and is covered in welts and bruises. The training staff sighs and starts to write his name on the Injured Reserve list, but Connolly won't have it.
- Tyler Myers almost stopping before he hits the cans, but tripping and falling headfirst. Lindy Ruff shakes his head.
- A shirtless, grinning Thomas Vanek, polishing his sticks and sacrificing unsold copies of the Thomas Vanek biography in front of his Jobu statue while chomping on a huge cigar.
- Game action: Connolly blocks a shot off his chest, and fires a crisp pass to Tyler Ennis who leaps over a defender's stick on his way to soring the game winning goal. Golisano shakes his head in disgust.
- Spinning newspaper headline: "Buffalo wins fifth straight, only 5 points back of playoffs."
- Commercial: Fans attempt to make out an American Express commercial narrated in broken English by Thomas Vanek and Jochen Hecht, fail.
- Shot of tickets being ripped, fans filing in to HSBC Arena and immediately going to the Conehead guy to buy beer.
- Tyler Myers actually stops in front of cans, rejoices.
- Game action: The Sabres try the Flying V, realize there's too many Mighty Ducks references for a Major League spoof, and instead just dump, chase, recover and score like a real hockey team.
- Spinning newspaper headline: "Buffalo ends season in a tie for 8th place with Boston; Bettman for no reason demands a one-game playoff to determine 8th seed."
CLOSEUP - A PIECE OF LEOPARD SKIN FABRIC: We hear cheers as it's ripped away to reveal the photographic image of Golisano's cleavage. We pull back to see the life- size poster is now completely peeled. Golisano stares out at us in a G-string and tassels. The photo is obviously from his Chippendale's days. General merriment prevails in the locker room. Players shaking hands, back slapping, etc. Myers and Ennis come by to exchange congratulations with Rivet.
Music and Montage end.
Tomorrow: The deciding game against hated rival Boston!